I Can’t Find My Way

 Have you ever needed to find your way? I mean you’re in a bad spot.   Everything about it is wrong. There is just too much pain, stress, sadness and despair.  But how? How do you find your way to a new place?  And by the way, this painful place you are in – it’s not by your choice. Not what you wanted. You just found yourself there. Maybe you woke up after 30 years of living in an emotionally abusive relationship and you just can’t do it anymore.  
Maybe your body betrayed you by getting sick, and an illness was the last thing you expected. Maybe your sweet babies grew up, took a wrong path, and shattered your heart in the process.   Maybe Death came and took, and you grieve. Now what do you do? How do you find your way?photo-1469243159284-ec62e27ddffd way 2

I was in such a place.  Really I am in such a place still because it is a process, this moving from a place that is not working to a better place. It takes time and it starts in small steps. No, it starts with a thought, a prayer.   At first all I could do was whisper a small prayer “Lord, I can’t find my way.”  Other days it was “Lord I don’t know the way. Show me.”  Many, many days such a prayer fell from my lips. “Lord I can’t find my way through this.” Months days and even years can go by and still you are lost. This, you say, is not the abundant life. Not by a long shot!  

Still in obedience to His word I would pray yet again. “Lord give me wisdom, show me what to do.” And He, in his faithfulness, did show me – is showing me.  But change did not take place until I was willing to let go.

You know, we hold it all so dear: this life, our loved ones, our dreams, our hopes. No! No we will not let them go! It is who we are, it is what we want, it is what we know, it is what is familiar and familiar is comfort for our souls, even if the familiarity is a pain, a hurt.  But … when we can whisper, “Okay, LORD, I will trust. I will trust You. I will love you more than the dream, the hope; the life I thought should be mine. I will let go. With shaking hands and tear stained face, I let go. You know better than me Lord. You have good for me. You are doing a work in me. I am weak, I am humbled, I am contrite before you.”

That’s when I started to see things I never saw before, about myself, about my loved ones, about my situation. My holding on so tight, too tight, kept us all from growing, from moving forward and onward to a better place.  There comes a time to not only pray but to act, move, believe and walk in faith. Yes, I know, dear one. It is a hard, scary thing to do. But I testify to you that He is good. He is the Faithful One. He will make beautiful out of the mess. I know because He is doing that for me. He is working the ugliness, bitterness, and hurt out of me. He is working the “I am helpless against life” mentality out of me, and He is replacing it with His strength, wisdom, discernment and power.  

Are things still broken around me? In me? Yes. But I am no longer a victim. Now I can love with a real love – not make believe. Not pretending everything is OK when it is not.  I can love the hurting without enabling.  I can speak truth with compassion and understanding. I can accept and embrace what I cannot change.  I not only stand, but I move forward – finding my way.


Time in Between

How odd it feels to suddenly be done. With parenting.  So much work!! So many years!! So much of myself poured out. So many hopes, dreams and fears for them, my little ones. And like a quiet summer’s day it all ends. They are grown and hopefully can parent themselves now, that is if I have done my job well. But the thing that haunts me is what I   have failed to teach them. The things I wanted them to know, things in my heart that I thought they would somehow just catch.  I am also haunted by the things I failed to protect them from although I tried so hard. Too hard bordering on being an overprotective parent.  Looking back I see the pitfalls all too clearly, but at the time and with what skills and knowledge I had acquired to that point in my life – well I did the best that I could. I am not saying I was a lousy parent but I am saying I missed some things.

And so here we are now. Time in between. That’s what I call it but you probably know it as the empty nest syndrome.  For those of you in it you will understand when I say to you that it is just weird. You not only have to deal with the letting go and the changing dynamics of the relationship with your now grow children but it is also a time that slaps you upside your head with the fact that, yeah you are getting older. Old maybe.  Certainly not young anymore. Now I don’t just know about time, I feel it. It is moving ever onward or rather winding down. We only have so much time allotted to us.  So you start asking questions. What do I do now? I see the struggles of the past and I want what is left of my future to be as good as it can be. What does that look like for me?  What do I want to do with the second half of my life? What brings me joy and fulfillment? What do I enjoy? I was told by a very wise counselor that it is a stage of our lives when we  start gathering information. Searching, rethinking and pondering.  As I am a Life Coach I have to say this is a great time to  work with a Coach to help you find answers to all these new questions.

So why do I call it time in between? It is the time between having your kids at home and when your children grow up get married and have kids so that you have grandkids!!